Promise.

I've always been two things. I'm hypersensitive, for one, and most people don't even know what hypersensitivity is.

It means percieving the world around you with such intensity it hurts. It physically hurts. It's a common survival characteristic, up to 20% of animals are hypersensitive. And in society, it's both a gift and a curse.

I'm also clever or at least, I've been clever, quite clever, the surprising kind, the kind of person who are called a genius when they're a child and a disappointment when they start growing out of best grades.

And that makes me different, which is awesome because plain is boring, really, absolutely boring, I'm sure those of you who've always been drawing of writing or doing anything but listening in class and still getting good grades understand how VOID plain is and always will be to my eyes.

But I've learnt something. I've just read it, while researching the reasons for my unsatisfaction of myself on mighty Internet -smarts drain out. One's IQ actually LOWER when it's not used, and that explains so much, so much more than those-anti-depression-pills-did-really-burn-my-brains-out-didn't-they.

I won't take that. I never had. Society is not going to win this game -I will not end up like all those clever minds who got brain-bored while growing up and eventually ended up normal. I won't. I don't want to.

So this is a promise, I guess, a public promise to myself -I've never been able to break up public promises, even the silly ones (I have other issues than hypersentivity and a tat higher than average IQ).

I WON'T LET GO. Even if I have to end up in loneliness, and go back to those years that were so bloodily hurtful -I won't care about lonely, I want my life to be exceptional, and that is rarely a synonym for happiness.

I know I'll get burn. I've been burnt already, and it almost killed me. I've wished to be happy, and normal, and I'll probably wish for it again -we always do. But I won't go back. I won't, I just won't, even though I know it'll eventually kill me. But then again, life does that to people -killing them- it's the usual way to go.

I won't go back on my word. One good thing about my mental issues is that I know how to take advantage of them -I can't break this promise, that would be such an incohent thing to do -I wouldn't be able to cope. So it's living my way, or be dead anyway.

I know it'll be hard, and that most people will reject me -most people are average people, that's what people do, rejecting the unusual as dangerous -very natural, tragically normal. I tested it yesterday on a friend, telling a piece of my mind -a real piece, not a lie, not those very handfull lies I'm full of, and he got scared, a bit, of course he did.

But if I'm posting this actually here of all places on the wide Internet, it's because I know it'll reach someone whose opinion actually counts for me, and I don't even need a reply, because I absolutely trust them with this.

There, to you, person who's dear to my heart: I wish to change, and I will change, and probably not in a conventionally approved kind of way, maybe not even in a way you will like. I know you're clever and strong enough to take it, and I want you to know that whatever happens, you're a person I love and admire deeply, for their determination, their will, their intelligence and their personality, a person every human being should look up to.

I've stopped being human some years ago, I've never really been anyway. My mind wandered in forbidden places, and so did, at some extent, this thing I've never really felt as me but as mine, this pet, my experience puppet, my weird friend, my body.

I've always seen life as an experiment, and each feeling, each action, as a astonishing experience. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you by mistake - I really don't want to, you're such an amazing being, like a living work of art, an angel -you know what I mean by angel, do you? I'll always be yours if you ever need anything I can provide, but I can't be yours enterely, and I deeply regret so - you're one of the few I would have turned human for.

But I won't, not anymore. I won't be human because it's not what I was born into, I won't be anything that exists and I do have no name.

It's time for me to get my wings back.