Once upon a time there was a girl named Blue who burned down an art museum.
It was an accident, really.
Nobody knew that Mandy Patinkin was going to be at the very same
museum that same afternoon, you see. If they had, maybe they would have
been able to prevent the fire. As it was, however, Mandy’s shoe had been
stolen by a five-year-old acrobat named Arthur who smelled of apples.
Arthur’s father was named Carl, and he was a brain surgeon and a
collector of Ziploc bags. One of Carl’s Ziploc bags contained a
blueberry muffin, which Arthur’s father’s wife Sigrid had baked that
same morning, which was the same morning that Arthur was meant to be at
ballet school and the same morning that Mandy Patinkin was at the art
museum. Unfortunately, Arthur hated ballet because the girls made fun of
his tights, so he’d stolen the Ziploc bag containing the muffin that
his mother had baked with plans to smash the muffin in the face of the
oldest girl. Her name was Lucy, and it was Lucy’s father Roger who was
really, ultimately the cause of the fire, since Roger was fond of
collecting leaflets, and his favorite leaflets were the kind from art
museums.
After Arthur smashed the muffin in Lucy’s face at ballet practice,
unable to endure any more of her teasing, Lucy dumped her apple juice on
Arthur’s tights, which meant neither child could finish their practice,
since soiled tights make it uncomfortable to do much of anything, and
since Lucy lived on Arthur’s street, Lucy’s father Roger was left with
the thankless task of taking both children home early. They passed the
art museum on the way, and Roger, being the sort who couldn’t resist a
leaflet, decided to stop. So it was Roger’s fault, as I said, even
though it was, in fact, really Xander’s fault, even though it was
really, actually Mandy Patinkin’s fault, even though it was—really,
ultimately,actually—Blue’s fault.
Xander, by the way, was the art student who was sitting in front of
the Rembrandt the same morning that Blue arrived at the art museum, the
same morning that Mandy Patinkin arrived, and the same morning that
Roger arrived looking for leaflets. Roger hadtold Lucy and
Arthur to stay in the car, but of course they didn’t, and Arthur,
thinking that dangling from mobiles would be fun, took off for the
museum, and Lucy, being an angry but also very responsible girl who
hated boys who looked better in tights than she did and who hated
getting yelled at by her father, chased after him.
The actual burning down of the museum happened at precisely
nine o’clock when, after having walked through the entire museum, Mandy
Patinkin stopped to rest on a bench near a Van Gogh, which also happened
to be near the same place where Xander the art student was copying a
Rembrandt with his portable canvas and paints. Mandy Patinkin stopped
not only to rest but also because he was missing his shoe, which had
been stolen from him five minutes earlier by an acrobatic boy who
smelled of apples who was, at the time, being chased by a girl with
blueberries on her tights.
It also happened to be the same place where a museum assistant named
Carla was passing out leaflets, ten of which were acquired by Roger, but
five of which ended up on the floor ten seconds later as Arthur ran
past chased by Lucy. Arthur managed to leap over Roger, being an
acrobatic child as he was, but Lucy collided with him, and five leaflets
scattered to the floor. Three of the five ended up against the wall.
One of the remaining two ended up beneath the foot of Mrs. Matilda
Bophurst, who was visiting the museum with her husband, Dingo, who had
in his pocket a catalog of Ziploc Collectibles from his good friend,
Carl Anderson, who was Arthur’s father. Upon recognizing Arthur running
by in tights, Dingo Bophurst gave a shout, which jolted Matilda, who
would not have slipped had it not been for the leaflet underneath her
foot. But the leaflet was there, and Matilda did slip. She knocked
Dingo’s Ziploc catalog out of her husband’s hands, and the catalog
sailed through the air, caught the edge of Xander’s paint thinner jar,
overturned it, and spilled the paint thinner across the floor.
Thus, catalog, jar, Xander, Matilda, Dingo, Roger, and leaflets all
scattered, and so did Carla, and so did the fifth leaflet, which ended
up in the lap of Mandy Patinkin, who’d taken his personalized Zippo
lighter out of his pocket seconds before, having seen the edge of
Dingo’s Ziploc catalog from Arthur’s father and mistaking it for a Zippo catalog,
which it in fact was not. By the time Mandy Patinkin realized his
mistake, however, it was too late, because he had a habit of flipping
open his Zippo lighter (Mandy Patinkin did not smoke, but he still had a
habit of opening his Zippo lighter).
And none of this would not have been so bad, really, if it hadn’t
been for Blue, who was walking past at that very moment, in the opposite
direction, eating a lot of cotton candy and looking at her recently
purchased Naked Angels in Art calendar from the art museum’s secret gift
shop (in the basement, open only on Wednesdays, ask for Snail). The
airborn Ziploc catalog sailed through the air, along with the jar of
paint thinner, and Blue, candy, and the Naked Angels calendar were
immediately dowsed in flammable liquid. Blue escaped, but the cotton
candy and calender were knocked from her hand, and everything—the whole
entire mess—ended up in the lap of Mandy Patinkin, whose Zippo lighter
was lit, and whose fifth, accidentally suddenly acquired leaflet, was
already on fire.
And so it was Blue who ultimately burned down the museum, flailing
and shrieking as she did to escape the flames and thereby sending all
items, including the Ziploc catalog and Xander’s paints, into the bench
and wall adjacent, where they immediately caught fire. The world mourned
the loss of many great works of art (except for the Rembrandt, which
Xander managed to rescue, and the Van Gogh, which Mandy Patinkin managed
to rescue, and a Monet, which Matilda Bophurst rescued, because ladies
named Matilda are awesome).
Blue ultimately escaped prosecution, however, since she’d shared her
cotton candy that same morning with Snail, who ran the secret gift shop
in the basement and who knew all the right people.
